Alone?

Warning: I will say alone too many times.

Am I alone?

I feel it. The stillness of nothing that moves around me. The quiet. I hear things but they evoke no sentiment. I crave certain individuals and when they don’t come around I fall even deeper in my ‘aloneness’. I am learning that I need to fill up my time so that these feelings may subside. I do have too much time to simply sit around and think about how alone I feel.

I feel alone because I feel alone with my thoughts. I feel alone when things don’t go my way and I find myself wishing I wasn’t just lying in bed by myself. I know that I am far from alone but why does it feel this way all the time?

It’s not going to bed alone. I enjoy it these days. Having the whole bed to myself. There are days I wish someone was holding me but I move around so much when I sleep I prefer having the space. Maybe it’s waking up alone?

I am not physically alone, I have a roommate and a dog. So there is always someone around if I am home. There seems to be lots of levels to being alone. I feel alone in certain ones.

I have my family, even though they live in a different state. They are simply a phone call away. I think I crave the affection. Hispanic culture is one full with lots of embraces and kisses. You meet someone and there is a hug and a kiss on the cheek. No matter how old or young, man or woman.  I grew up with SO many kisses and hugs from everyone in my family. Not a day would go by without some sort of affection. And it can be something as simple as a hug that would probably turn most of my days around. A squeeze of my hand or the warmth of an embrace whispers into my soul “I am here. Feel me. Feel it. The energy that flows. It’s alive. You’re alive. And you’re part of something greater.”  A hug tells me all of that. Crazy? Perhaps. A touch is grounding. It reminds me I am not alone. I believe this is a big reason I feel the way I do. Not the only one but the one that feels most present.

Other reasons I feel alone…I feel a sense of abandonment from my parents. My father has always been a dead beat dad. He would come into my life when he wanted and when things didn’t go accordingly, he would freak out, yell mean names, and tell me to never come back. This probably has had an effect on me but growing up with always having my mom very present, I never thought much of it. He just simply wasn’t part of the picture. My mother on the other hand is a different story. We have had our ups and downs, and right now it is very down. There are many reasons why our relationship has fallen apart, and we both are to blame. Now it feels as though she doesn’t care, so I never bother to tell her about what is going on in my life. She has no clue about my plan for medical school, my love life, or my new life in Atlanta. I’ll call her to see how she is doing and she won’t even ask. It is a difficult situation and I am doing my best to overcome the sadness of feeling like I am losing my ‘mami.’ 

What does it mean to be truly alone? Not having any friends? Not having family? Not having a significant other?

I have friends. I have family…sort of. I was the one that broke up with my ex and decided to move to Atlanta ALONE. Hmm… And my next question is why does it matter if you feel alone? I have so many things I should be focusing on right now. So fucking many. Yet I sit in my misery and weep. Maybe I’m equating not knowing/uncertainty with feeling alone. I have no constant in my life. No stability. Everything feels as though it might come crashing down at any moment.

I am not alone I need to remind myself of this. When I truly needed someone, one of the few individuals I can call a friend, was there for me. In every way he possibly could, being hundreds of miles away. I need to work on this. So many people feel alone even when they do have friends, families, & lovers. There are so many circumstances that cause people to feel this way.

I should find a new name for this feeling. Cause it isn’t being alone. Wandering? Wanting?

Regardless

Yesterday I did something I never saw myself doing, pursuing a woman. It was only through an email but still out of my comfort zone. Whether or not things play out the way I want, is irrelevant. I put myself out there and I’m happy I did it.

The best part was identifying the want, making a plan, and executing it. I didn’t put it off, I did it in that moment. I need…am going to start applying this to other areas of my life. I need…am going to stop sitting around as a spectator. I need…am going to be an active participant in the decisions that will impact my life.

I refuse to let myself fall. I have seen a new side of myself I didn’t know existed break through in the last few months. I am going to continue exploring that.

“A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.”

Regardless of the outcome, I am going to push myself. End of story.

Pain

My experience with pain is minimal. The only pain I’ve inflicted on myself willingly is getting tattoos. I never associated this with anything, but the more I learn about BDSM the more connections I’m making. A ‘noob’ thing, so I’ve read.

My back piece started in January 2013. It took 3 sessions to finish the outline alone. It has been a long process, but I’ve come so far! Even though there is still a decent amount of work to be done, I hope to have it finished by this year. I am learning to be patient as my artist works so sloOoOow.  He has done a great job, I can’t complain. I’ve given him the artistic freedom to do as he wishes. My only request was that it’d be an overall dark tattoo. Traditionally, the Japanese phoenix has lots of bright colors, which he has replaced with darker tones. I am very pleased where this is going and can’t wait to see the end result.

I remember the first session I had, it was so intense. I wasn’t entirely prepared for what I was getting myself into. I only lasted about 3 hours. This may seem like a long time, but people sit for 7+ hours. It was the worst pain I’d ever experienced. I didn’t think I could do it. I was mad for even starting it. Had I ruined my back? I kept moving and twitching, yet I couldn’t get away from the pain. It was so present. With every sudden movement I could feel the frustration growing from my artist. I felt disappointed. I made a commitment and now I couldn’t hold still? I cried towards the end, all I wanted was for him to stop and take it away.

I always think it won’t be that bad, until the artist starts and I want to run away. It’s interesting though, there is nothing holding me to the chair, yet I don’t jump up and leave…why? I can barely handle nipple clamps right now. WTF. However, I can now sit still as he does his work. It took a few sessions and mentally I deal with it better.

I was told by a friend that the artist was happy with how I was doing. That he was able to help me get through it. It made me feel good that he was pleased with me. I want to please him. Now I crave to get tattooed. I miss it, weirdly. Is it the pain? Is it the want to sit there like a good girl and take it? Is it that I like knowing my artist is satisfied? I may never be able to directly answer these questions.

All the pain has left me with nothing more than a beautiful masterpiece.
Artist: Craig Beasley

Play me like an instrument.

Rodrigo y Gabriela – Hanuman

This amazing duo were in a metal band in Mexico before deciding to go to Ireland to be street performers. They have now been in countless music festivals. I saw them open for Radiohead a few years ago at Bonnaroo. They are incredible. It’s impossible to not want to move to their upbeat rhythms and melodies. It’s a visceral experience. Words are not necessary. There is only two guitars, yet their sound is perfectly full. Nothing seems to be missing.

Rodrigo is great, but Gabriela is mesmerizing. Watch her hands, they move incessantly. Everything about her is sexy. The way she looks at her guitar. Her simplicity. She is so lost in playing, but in complete control of the sound. She is a master of her instrument. She is one with it.

Play me like an instrument. Master my body. Know it like the back of your hand.

HELLO BDSM

I am very new to scene, if you even consider I’m there. I don’t have a Dom and I haven’t been a sub. Nevertheless, I’m intrigued. I can’t pinpoint what peaked my interest, but thankfully it wasn’t 50 Shades of Grey. I’m sure all you vets can appreciate that.

The only experience I have in this realm is with some bondage and light spanking. To me, it doesn’t count. I wasn’t trying to be a sub. It was with my ex bf and he had no clue what he was doing. I liked the idea of being helpless. Perhaps I’m naturally submissive?

I’ve always enjoyed intense, primal sex. Biting, scratching, hair pulling, and spankings were part of the act more often than not. The slight pain dragged me screaming into pleasure. BDSM takes this to the next level. I’m curious.

Recently, I engaged in anal sex for the first time. I have used a vibrator before but I was in control of that. Allowing someone else the power to do as they please was alluring and scary all at the same time. Would they know how far to push me? Would they stop if need be? Most of the sex I’ve had, I’ve been in control. The exchange of power is something I want to continue exploring.

I follow several submissive women on this site. YOU ARE ALL SO HOT. It’s enticing to know that these women walk among us unknown. All you lovely ladies are angels for being so honest and wanting to look out for other women interested in this lifestyle. Thank you for sharing. I’ve learned a lot from you all. The qualities of a sub, what to expect, and what to stay away from. Among other insights. Reading all the posts evoked so many emotions from me. Excitement ran through my veins while reading the vividly depicted sex scenes. I felt the sadness in some of the posts. This lifestyle forces you to take a good look at yourself, not always an easy thing to do. It was refreshing to read something so genuine. The raw emotion shines through.

I am turned on to this more than I could ever have imagined. I have no idea what to expect if I did find a Dom. The unknown is tantalizing. I think of the woman I want to be. Strong but gentle. I wonder if this lifestyle might guide me there. I do like being in charge and hope to see myself running an integrative hospital one day. However, I am ALL about the idea of completely submitting to a man. A man that deserves it.

I feel like a little girl that needs to be tamed.

I watched this video for the first time yesterday. My initial response was ‘watch it again.’ We are so quick to reject what we do not understand. I had to explore further.

This video is amazing. Well thought out. It vividly captures the effects of addiction. Addiction to anything in my opinion. People have commented that the young girl simply seems possessed. They fail to see that is part of the message the artist is trying to convey. We can all be prisoners to our bad habits. Habits that consume all of you. Possessed by my thoughts, I am a prisoner to my mind. I am aware I need to get out of my own head but I spend my days thinking and not doing. ‘When will I learn?’

‘Sun is up, I’m a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame’

These lyrics hit home. I wake up in the same reality. Resentful of the choices I have made. Feelings of self-loathing overwhelm me. I know I have to get out of bed and my misery.

I love how the dancing never stops. Life does not stop. I experience moments of a perfectly choreographed dance and within seconds complete chaos. Much like my thoughts, I believe I can conquer any obstacle and then without notice, self-doubt ensues and all I can see is my limitations. The apartment depicts my mind – troubled, cluttered, and neglected. The music itself is upbeat yet the lyrics are so dark. Symbolizing the facade we put on. I want to appear happy but inside I’m broken.

The ending is one of my favorite scenes. It is an invitation. Cross this threshold…if you dare. Such a great representation of the immature girl that still lives in me.This video is haunting and painfully honest.

‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight.’

I’m just trying to be an adult…

I’m drowning, or at least it is what it feels like. I keep reaching out, trying to hold on to anything and everything that might keep me afloat. I’m 23 and in the midst of “figuring out my life.” This shit sucks. Always imagined my 20’s would be filled with life changing adventures. Instead it has been filled with uncertainty, shitty jobs, and a broken car.

No one tells you to look for a job BEFORE you graduate. Thank you Florida State. Now to pay $60,000 of student loans on a minimum wage job, what a great fucking start to life.

Presently, I have no idea what I am doing. I moved to Atlanta 6 months ago with the intention of going to nursing school. This idea has stopped appealing to me and I am back to square one. In the words of Isaac Brock, I change my mind so often I can’t even trust it.

…I’m failing miserably.