Warning: I will say alone too many times.

Am I alone?

I feel it. The stillness of nothing that moves around me. The quiet. I hear things but they evoke no sentiment. I crave certain individuals and when they don’t come around I fall even deeper in my ‘aloneness’. I am learning that I need to fill up my time so that these feelings may subside. I do have too much time to simply sit around and think about how alone I feel.

I feel alone because I feel alone with my thoughts. I feel alone when things don’t go my way and I find myself wishing I wasn’t just lying in bed by myself. I know that I am far from alone but why does it feel this way all the time?

It’s not going to bed alone. I enjoy it these days. Having the whole bed to myself. There are days I wish someone was holding me but I move around so much when I sleep I prefer having the space. Maybe it’s waking up alone?

I am not physically alone, I have a roommate and a dog. So there is always someone around if I am home. There seems to be lots of levels to being alone. I feel alone in certain ones.

I have my family, even though they live in a different state. They are simply a phone call away. I think I crave the affection. Hispanic culture is one full with lots of embraces and kisses. You meet someone and there is a hug and a kiss on the cheek. No matter how old or young, man or woman.  I grew up with SO many kisses and hugs from everyone in my family. Not a day would go by without some sort of affection. And it can be something as simple as a hug that would probably turn most of my days around. A squeeze of my hand or the warmth of an embrace whispers into my soul “I am here. Feel me. Feel it. The energy that flows. It’s alive. You’re alive. And you’re part of something greater.”  A hug tells me all of that. Crazy? Perhaps. A touch is grounding. It reminds me I am not alone. I believe this is a big reason I feel the way I do. Not the only one but the one that feels most present.

Other reasons I feel alone…I feel a sense of abandonment from my parents. My father has always been a dead beat dad. He would come into my life when he wanted and when things didn’t go accordingly, he would freak out, yell mean names, and tell me to never come back. This probably has had an effect on me but growing up with always having my mom very present, I never thought much of it. He just simply wasn’t part of the picture. My mother on the other hand is a different story. We have had our ups and downs, and right now it is very down. There are many reasons why our relationship has fallen apart, and we both are to blame. Now it feels as though she doesn’t care, so I never bother to tell her about what is going on in my life. She has no clue about my plan for medical school, my love life, or my new life in Atlanta. I’ll call her to see how she is doing and she won’t even ask. It is a difficult situation and I am doing my best to overcome the sadness of feeling like I am losing my ‘mami.’ 

What does it mean to be truly alone? Not having any friends? Not having family? Not having a significant other?

I have friends. I have family…sort of. I was the one that broke up with my ex and decided to move to Atlanta ALONE. Hmm… And my next question is why does it matter if you feel alone? I have so many things I should be focusing on right now. So fucking many. Yet I sit in my misery and weep. Maybe I’m equating not knowing/uncertainty with feeling alone. I have no constant in my life. No stability. Everything feels as though it might come crashing down at any moment.

I am not alone I need to remind myself of this. When I truly needed someone, one of the few individuals I can call a friend, was there for me. In every way he possibly could, being hundreds of miles away. I need to work on this. So many people feel alone even when they do have friends, families, & lovers. There are so many circumstances that cause people to feel this way.

I should find a new name for this feeling. Cause it isn’t being alone. Wandering? Wanting?